Who Am I?
It’s true that I have many aliases, but since 2003 the IRS thinks I’m dead.
NYC Etiquette For Tourists Pt. 1
Etiquette dictates that you wait to throw your trash away until after the homeless guy is finished digging in the can.
Guy Outside Of A Theater. I Think He Was Talking About An Acting Coach. Not Sure. Kinda Hope Not.
"She takes you to places you don’t want to go. But then later on you thank her."
Shutter The Windows, Ma
Based on the movies I’ve seen, if you are around a bunch of dogs, and they all start going crazy at the same time, something bad is coming. Usually vampires.
Actually, I Have No Idea
Overheard:
"With all this shit going on, you got your head wrapped around some other shit. You know what I’m sayin’?"
I’ve Seen Lonely Times When I Could Not Find A Friend
Every time I hear a James Taylor song, I’m going to punch him in the face in my mind.
In my mind, I’m going to punch him in the face.
No War/Health Care/The Poor/Love
If I see Susan Sarandon or Michael Moore on TV, I know what they are talking about even with the sound off.
This Is In Almost All Crime Movies When The Criminal Has A Girlfriend
"This is me. This is who I am. You knew what you were getting into when you met me."
If We All Do This, We Can Really Make A Difference
"Hello."
"Dan, what’s up?"
"Nothing. How are you?"
"Good, good. Listen, I was wondering if I could borrow a few bucks until the end of the month? It would really help me out."
"I’m sorry, Poverty, but I can’t help you right now."
We’re Walking Down 6th Street. Are You Hungry?
You are? What about:
No? Not in the mood for Mitali East? Ok. How about:
No? No Taj either? Maybe:
Not in the mood for that either? Ok. What about:
What? No Taj, Taj Mahal or Raj Mahal? Wow, pretty picky. Ok, ok. There’s no way you can turn down:
Six Days A Week
I sang this to a gal I’m seeing:
"6 days a week
I love you
6 days a week is enough to show I care
I ain’t got nothin’ but love, babe
6 days a week"
Not amused.
Overheard In A Coffee Establishment
"I hate hot drinks, but I can’t drink them cold. Is it possible to get it warm?"
Love For Sale
I passed by a woman wearing a shirt that read: "Who needs big tits?"
But she had big tits.
So I’m wondering if it was a sales pitch.
Eatin’ Bad In The Neighborhood
Friend: Why don’t you eat lunch at a buffet in one of the bodegas?
Me: Because I don’t like diarrhea.
*For non-New Yorkers, a bodega is a small, poorly run "convenience" store.
Unbridled Optimism, i.e. “Going For It!”
Today I saw a homeless guy stop asking for money in order to hit on an absolutely beautiful woman.
Dear Anonymous Homeless Man – Women like money. And homes. But, dammit, "a" for effort, son. Never give up.
"Change so I can eat. Change so I can eat. Hey, girl, what’s your name?"
Si or Oui or Da
I was in the lobby about to see a show when a woman walked up and asked:
"Are you Giavanni?"
"What?"
"Are you Giavanni?"
"No."
I wish I would have said yes.
I could have created a fake Giavanni accent and acted all smelly and European.
Parents Say The Darndest Things
I just had this conversation with my mom:
"We might go to New Hampshire instead of New York. Parents like to see where their children live, but I don’t think I’ll like New York with the walking."
"Alan (my brother) took pictures of my apartment when he was here. He can show you my place."
"Ok. Maybe he can make me some extra prints."
"Prints? Mom, if you would get email, he could email them to you right now."
"I know. Maybe email’s something I can get for my next birthday."
Oh, mom.
From A Chevy Chase Biography
The following is from the first chapter which is titled: "The Pain of a Child":
"Was he really a famous comedian, enjoying the limelight? Or was he still a frightened young boy, sitting in a dark room?"
I’m gonna have to go with comedian on this one.
Attn: Middle Aged People
A blue 1966 Ford Mustang convertible? Cool.
A blue 1966 Ford Mustang convertible blasting The Beach Boys? A little over the top.
What I’ve Been Up To This Summer
I’m trying to reinvent the wheel.
Why? Because everyone says let’s not.
I Want To Sex Your Sentence Up
If you want to spice up a sentence, just throw in the word "sexy".
Here are two phrases that I’m about to start using:
"I’m gonna get to the sexy bottom of that."
"That’s just the tip of the sexy iceberg."
In NYC, This Type Of Street “Conversation” Is The Norm:
EXT. CORNER OF 14th STREET AND 4th AVE. – DAY
A woman is walking along 14th Street toward 4th Ave. She is yelling across 14th Street at someone we can’t see.
Woman: (Yelling) What’s up, punk?! What’s up, punk?! What’s up, punk?! What’s up, punk?! (Speaking softly, almost to herself) Yeah, you old punk ass.
Don’t Do This:
Hatch a plan that will solve all of your problems.
It always ends badly. If you don’t believe me, watch Dateline or Primetime Live.
He’s The One They Call Dr. Playground…
He’s the one that makes you feel all right.
He also has a very creepy name for someone who works around children in playgrounds. In a van, no less.
Good Advice From The State Department Web Site On Overseas Travel Safety
"Beware of groups of vagrant children who create a distraction while picking your pocket."
I can think of no good reason to hang around vagrant children who create distractions in order to steal. Good call, State Department.
I Saw This On A Children’s Show And I Think It Would Make An Excellent Metaphor For Something
"Look out for giants. They’ll smash your ships."
Food For Thought
The warm weather brings out the sidewalk cafes in NYC. When I walk by a table, I have the urge to pick up someone’s plate and drop it on the sidewalk.
But I never do.
I’m an even bigger jerk in my mind.
“Be The Person You Want To Find”
I saw a woman carrying a book with this title.
It made me think. If you become the person you want to find, then you will no longer need the person you were looking for.
Deep, man. Too deep for a website called Captain Hilarious. You should click on over to Alfred Einsteen dot com.
Attn: Panhandlers Of NYC
You might garner more sympathy, and in return make more money, if you put away the iPod.
