And I don’t find it all that funny.

 "I find it funny, old man. How much is denture cream these days?"

The problem with dating the homeless is that after you break up with them, they just live behind your apartment.

"The one thing that can solve most of our problems is dancing."

She told me I was lazy with no goals. I said, "Lazy? My goal for today is three bedsores. Not two."

She was not amused.

Women are not into sores. 

If you decide to go with the neck tattoo, you are resigning yourself to a life of food service, auto repair or incarceration.

My delicate balance of charm and menace.

I find homeless couples inspiring.
All they have is love.
And shopping carts.

Be careful, the comedy you are about to enjoy is very hot.

Don’t hate me because you’re beautiful.

If you’re in the subway and the yellow and black garbage train comes the wrong way, down your track, it’s gonna take a while to get home.

I shower based on the smell of my bellybutton.

"What’s up, rock n’ roll?"

Because I have names in my head for people who amuse or annoy me.

A Latino gentleman was pushing and shoving (he was doing both, I promise) while entering the subway car and I thought:

"Chill out, tex-mex."

I have more, but I’m not ready to share them. 

What I wanted to say this morning after I asked for a whole wheat bagel:

"Did I ask for fucking cream cheese?"

Instead I said:

"No thanks."
 

It’s 19 degrees right now.

Let me repeat that. It’s 19 degrees right now.

"I don’t have time for this shit."