"They got AIDS up in there."
"They do?"
"Everyone and their mother."

If your girlfriend walks in and asks, "What are you doing?"

Don’t reply, "Why, nothing, of course."

Because I don’t understand why the "taste" is in quotes.

          
            (artwork by Richard Grant)

Today was the first time in months that I ate fast food (I don’t consider Subway to be fast food, although technically it is both fast and food). I went into Wendy’s and had two Junior Cheeseburgers Deluxe (I went with the “Attorneys General” spelling/grammar here. They may very well be Junior Cheeseburger Deluxes, but I’m trusting my gut on this.), Great Biggie fries and a small seltzer water that of course turned out to be a small Sprite.

Then due to the crack-like sugar/fat/grease compounds that were still swimming around my taste buds, I went next door to Wendy’s and had two Double Decker Tacos and a Meat and Potato Burrito. I think I managed to knock out my weekly caloric needs in under fifteen minutes. Which is nice because I have a lot to do this week.

I continued to cruise around the city for a while and I made it home without any tummy trouble, however, I did stop by the store and pick up some extra toilet paper. Preparation is key. (I was going to write, “In life, preparation is key.” But I think the “in life” part can be safely assumed.)

Downside: Lots of rules. Upside: Save money on clothes.

Can I be at the wrong place at the right time?

Do writers think wacky TV neighbors are more funny if they’re fat? There seem to be a lot of sandwich related jokes.

"Every morning I would see her waiting at the stop
Sometimes she’d shopped and she would show me what she bought
Other people stared as if we were both quite insane
Someday my name and hers are going to be the same"

Because she’s about to have sex reassignment surgery
And she’s always liked my name

Everyone hates mosquitoes. I have never met anyone who loves mosquitoes.

Except maybe some biologists because they would say something about how many species live off mosquitoes and without the food source our ecosystem would collapse.

Well, these biologists don’t have mosquitoes coming in their room every night and biting them while they are trying to sleep. I could use a little ecosystem collapse every now and then.

(In case you want to repeat this to a hearing impaired friend or loved one.)

Everyone loves music. I have never met anyone who hates music.

Experts say that we spend about one-third of our lives in bed, but I’m shooting for nine-tenths.

I just read about a new rapper from Miami that Jay Z signed. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that he probably raps about hos, guns and drugs.

PEGGY BICK

She was born bossy. She came out of her mom and said, "Hurry up and cut this umbilical cord. I’ve got shit to do."

I walked by Starbucks the other day and I thought, "Aw, look at all those people working on their screenplays."

So I was writing some jokes the other day when a Mexican, a Jew and a Polish guy walked in, and I thought, "There’s something funny about this."

Other comedians might be on the front lines killing and bombing, but I’m winning hearts and minds.

If I was Sharona, I’d be like:

"I don’t see a ring on this finger. Talkin’ ’bout "MY" Sharona."

http://www.comedycentral.com/comedians/browse/p/dat_phan.jhtml

I’ve been neglecting this site, but more importantly, you.

I am about to raise the comedy roof up in here.

K? K.

Is: Soft. Strong. Sensible. Like me.