Pull out a big subway map on a street corner.

To get the ladies, you must think inside the box.

Spring has sprung in NYC. The weather is nice, but the exposed mid-drifts and low-cut jeans are nicer.

"Does this new g-string make me look fat?"

"No, baby. Maybe a little chubby."

She’s pure as the driven on snow.

So watch out for undertow at the waterpark.

VH-1 Personality

When I walk past cops in the subway, I have this urge to bop them on the head with my umbrella.

We have cell phones, email, text messaging…

But what is the etiquette of breaking up via fax?

Are toilets considered furniture?

If so, I disagree that the mattress is the most important piece of furniture.

40 year old devoted son = undiscovered serial killer.

We’ve heard all this before: "He was a quiet loner type that never bothered anyone. He seemed nice; always said ‘hello’. He was really devoted to his mom. They spent all their time together."

When people are handing out flyers in the subway, I walk straight toward them so I can ignore them when they try to hand me one.

"How would you like to go to dinner with me? How would you like to pay for that dinner?"

Night vision beer goggles.

One layer for each hour in the bathroom.