Due to roommate computer issues and sporadic entries, this website, Captain Hilarious dot com, can only be guaranteed 73% funny.

Sorry for any inconvenience.

When you are dealing with Gummy products, sometimes you have to show them tough love.

There are signs in the subway near the tracks that say: "CAUTION This area has been baited with RODENTCIDE".

I supposed this is aimed at those who were thinking of jumping down on the tracks, picking something up and eating it.

The steak sandwich from Dunkin Donuts.

because I asked myself, "What’s some good walkin’ around, get the fuck out of my way music?"

Lettuce is a waste of my time.

"Daddy drinks because you cry."

"Baby 81" would make a fantastic band name.

Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for those shiny tickles.

"I still have a lot of debt from when I was a junkie."

When I hear people talk about travelling abroad, they are always planning on making money by getting "some kind of bartending job."

Being human ain’t easy.