I love to walk through the organic farmers market in Union Square eating McDonalds.

In your face, health freaks.

I need an heiress.

Everywhere I go there are reminders. I see ads in the subway and people with their iPods. Everyone is happy and smiling. I can’t escape her memory. I hear one of our songs and I cry. There is a black hole in my heart.

How is she now? Does she ever think of me? Is someone else playing our songs?

Sometimes I walk by the iPod store when it’s not on my way home.

I thought the world of the iPod was a hip, fun and exciting world. Now I realize it’s a sad, frustrating and kind of heartbreaking world.

Last night my iPod left me.

For the last few weeks she had been acting strange and wasn’t very responsive. She kept jumping around and ignoring things I wanted her to do. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know how to fix it.

Last night she completely shut down. She made it clear that it’s over. I tried everything. I cajoled her for hours but nothing worked. It feels like she had been planning this for weeks.

Now I wander the streets alone. And I fall asleep without the sounds of her whispering in my ear.

Snow is pretty.

But when "snow" melts it turns into "water", that then turns into "ice", that then turns into a "big pain in the ass" when you are walking uphill on a sidewalk.

"Are you undressing me with your eyes?"
"Yes."
"Would you like to try it with your hands?"
“Yes.”

This was Iran’s official response to US military threats:

"Today the Islamic Republic has acquired massive military might, the1512dimensions of which still remain unknown, and is prepared to attack any1512intruder with a fearsome rain of fire and death."

Muslims are big fans of the flowery prose.

We tickle you softly with our song.

"The more I drink, the more I like you, babe."

Dr. Recommended

Recently, I was abducted by a UFO.
But I didn’t get an anal probe.
It kinda hurt my feelings.

I’m pretty, right?

"Well… goodnight."
"Why don’t I come with you?"
"I don’t think that’s a good idea."
"You’re right, it’s a great idea."

There are no silly questions.
Only silly answers.

1512

Most women are more fun in my imagination.

She said, "I’d like to be in that crazy head of yours for a day."
"Baby," I replied, "You’re in my head everyday."

This town is a ball breaking mistress that smacks you around and steals your wallet while you sleep.

But you always come back to her.

If you’re in Mississippi and you see a band with no shirts, long hair and a lead singer named Whiplash;  get ready to hear some Lynyrd Skynyrd.

…are always the loudest people on the subway.

Cheap toilet paper might seem like a good idea at the time, but you’ll regret it.

When we were closing today, a kid was crying because she couldn’t get in the store.
Welcome to the real world, kid. Life is not about candy.

Life is about pain and loss.
Life is about dashed hopes and dreams.
Get used to it.

Starbucks + Taco Bell = tummy trouble.

I saw a homeless guy reading GQ.

The world needs more rock operas.

The display shows the song, then artist, then album. I looked down because I had it on shuffle and it said:

"Oh Nelly
  Nelly
Nellyville"

Nelly is all about staying on message.
And that message is Nelly.

Today I passed a guy with a shirt that had a smiley face and it said: "No Longer A Threat To Society".

But obviously still an idiot with poor taste in shirts.