Write the great American fart joke.

Tickle Dracula is a lot like Santa. We see you when you're sleeping. We know when you're awake.

We have a list, but we only check it once. So stop asking.

The love of a good woman.

How would you like to go to Fallujah this weekend and help with the insurgency?

All you have to do is stand there and watch the tanks.

$50.

Wet subway polls.

They raise questions I don’t want answered.

We put the "ship" in showmanship.

Enough people have been contributing the show and we feel the ship has been neglected.

It's time someone stepped up and did something about it.

(Tickle Dracula hard at work.)

I've concluded that it's impossible to kill two birds with one stone. It would have to be a very heavy stone. And the second bird would have to be somewhere below the first bird.

Yesterday I made the AM/PM mistake on the alarm clock.

I have a job in a candy store.

I spend the day watching females eat ice cream and candy. I feel dirty.

I am the candy dan. I make everything I bake satisfying and delicious.

Women go crazy over bags. "That is such a cute bag!" It's really quite amazing. Bags and shoes for women are like the flame for the moth. It sucks them in. They lose control and smile and get real happy. The women, not the moths. I've never seen a moth smile. Although I'd like to. And then the women are putty in your hands. Word to the wise.

This comic it not technically @ rest.

Ok?

This comic has been practicing and recording with the comedy/rock supergroup: Tickle Dracula.

I was just listening to a disk with five (5) of our tracks, or "hits", and the player said "Unknown Album". And I said, "Not for long, Mr. Computer Man."

It's cold here in NYC.

As cold as my heart. As frigid as my love.

I emailed the following to some online want ads:

"hi my name is captain hilarious and i need a job that pays a lot of money so that i can buy drugs and keep the voices from hurting people

thanks and call me and hire me and give me money"

I haven't heard back from anyone yet.

I just got an iPod.

If someone asked me, "Dan, who or what do you love the most in this world?" I would say, "My iPod."

I would have sex with my iPod if I could figure out a way to do it and still have it function properly.

You might be thinking, "I sure hope it's a female iPod." Of course it is. You think I'm some kind of pervert?

I might take it to Vermont and marry it.