"I don't know who you think you are. You can't just buy me a drink and then take me home."

"Baby, you're still looking at the world with a September 10th mindset."

A snapshot from my life. A day in the, if you will:

"Dan, will you look in my purse for XYZ?"

"I don't see it."

"Not THAT purse! The purse I've been using for the last week."

"Uh, I don't really know which purse you have been using."

And then the discussion begins about how I'm not observant of her needs.

Is everybody ready for Lala Fallujah?
Ready to get that head chopped off?

A good time will be had by insurgents.

People 'bout to be gettin' they laugh on.

In the subway, assume all liquid is urine.

I'm tired of a happy medium.

I want a cranky, irritable medium. I want a medium that won't take no for an answer.

Be wary of drifters bearing gifts.

If you are about to do something, just ask yourself, "What would Carrot Top do?"

For example, if you are about to put a rear-view mirror on a ham sandwich, ask yourself, "Would Carrot Top put a rear-view mirror on a ham sandwich?" And the answer is yes. He would.

And then he would follow it up with a turn signal on a racquet ball.

Bear with me, humans. The comedy is in my brain and yearning to break free and enter your brain via this information super-duper highway.

Because people enjoy comedy.

It's true.

Well I'm wild and I'm mean and I'm creating a scene, I'm going crazy.

See can't nobody fly through swamp and bayou, like I do. They can't but they try to.