Hi, readers.

Due to internet service problems, I have been unable to frequently update the site. As a result, the hilarity is down 30%. This will not persist much longer. I know that you expect more from a captain. And so do I.

Good night, sleep tight, don't let the Tickle Dracula bite.

My personal fashion is dictated by what still fits me and smells clean.

Be careful, man, that chick will give you Hepitits A through C.

There's a restaurant by my apartment called Tai Thai. But I'm hesitant to eat at places that sound like baby talk. Tai thai, pee pee, poo poo, ka ka.

Tickle Dracula is: Magnum McDaniels, David Lowe & Daniel Michael.

First we tickle you, then we dracula you. It's a one-two punch. You're focused on the tickle and you don't even see the dracula coming. "Look. Look up here at the shiny tickle…see the pretty tickle?" Then: dracula!

It's like the carrot and the stick. The yen and the yang. You say potato, I say Tickle Dracula.

Some bands promise one, but we promise both. You won't come to our show and walk away with only a dracula. Don't worry.

So keep your eyes peeled, whatever that means, for our first album, Tickle Through The Dracula Door.

So I was riding on the subway the other day, and I looked up and there was an ad that said, "Are you new to New York? It's the city that never sleeps. Need a pick-me-up? Try a peanut. They give you energy and contain essential vitamins and minerals. Brought to you by your American Peanut Farmers."

Another asked, "Need energy to do the impossible?"

I've always wondered how New Yorkers stayed so thin and had all their energy. The answer? Peanuts.

And then I walked out of the subway, and on the corner there was a guy saying, "Yo, yo. I got smoke. Pills. Salted peanut." "Anybody need weed? Cashews?"