I'm getting tired of protesters. They have this I'm-better-than-you attitude. Like me. So this is my shirt idea designed to stir things up:

MORE WAR (less bitching)

"It's just not working out. But I hope we can still be Friendsters."

Shove it up your ASCII file.

>>>Thanks. You've been a good audience.

But not a great audience.<<<

Often, when you blow your nose, the stuff that comes out is black.

There is an ad for a cell phone company in the subway and it reads as follows:

"People are complicated. Their phones don't have to be."

Shouldn't it just say: Phones don't have to be. Or: OUR phones don't have to be.

This ad must have been written by some type of extraterrestrial or an intelligent, non-human Earth dweller.

But, baby, it's not sexist, it's sexy.

In China, the KFC slogan, "Finger-lickin' good", translates into "Eat your fingers off."

Legions of people watch her show. If she mentions products on her show, people go out and buy them. She tells people to read a book and millions of people do. Then they create clubs to discuss the book. She is now buying land in Hawaii to start the O Wellness Center.

Oprah Winfrey is dangerously close to starting her own religion. If she starts selling Kool Aid, watch out.

Many comedians are funny while on stage, but quiet and somewhat boring off. They tend to use the performance as their outlet for expression. But I'm the exact opposite.

I'm hilarious to just chill with. So if you see me perform and don't think I'm funny, let's hang out.