From the New York Times, 7/30/4, P1 & P3:

How the would-be president saved a hamster from drowning.

"My dad jumped in, grabbed an oar, fished the cage from the water, hunched over the soggy hamster and began to administer CPR," Alexandra Kerry said. "The hamster was never quite right after that, but he lived."

This might be the hamster:

So if we finally win this War On Terror, will I no longer be terrified of failure? Because life would be so much easier if I loved failure.

I've seen a lot of anti-Bush posters with websites such as bushwatch.com. But you have to be careful. I've been to websites like that, and they sure weren't about the President.

(I have a series of poems that are dedicated to the things we take for granted.)

Time, thank you for always being on time. Without you, my pop tarts would surely burn.

Every time I see that Big Hand approaching the Little Hand I scream, "Watch out, Little Hand!"

And he does watch out. Always swinging back into action.

Time, I will never make a machine to turn you back. You don't need that kind of pressure. I know how you feel about Bill and Ted. To you, their adventure was not very excellent.

Time, it's always time for you.

If I was a beggar (keep your fingers crossed), this would be my sign:

NEED MONEY FOR RESUME PAPER

It shows an ambitious, go-getter bum spirit. That's a sign written by a bum who's going places.

There are signs all over the subway system that tell us New Yorkers to be vigilant against terrorism. They say, "If You See Something, Say Something." And we are instructed to contact a MTA worker or a cop.

I want to go up to a MTA worker and say, "I just wanted to let you know that I saw something. I was on the F train this morning and I think I saw a dragon. It was acting weird and I felt like I should say something."

I'm trying to decide on a costume for Captain Hilarious. I'd like input, but alas, I have no comment section. So this says to you, "I really don't care what you think. I'm the star here."

There's always this captain look:

Or this:

Or maybe the super hero look, with a peg-leg. The "flawed hero" look is very in this season. It says "I can relate to you, but I am still better than you because I am this funny captain guy."

I was espousing my opinion the other day, and this chick said, "Well, I guess you just know everything under the sun, huh?" To which I replied, "Yes."

But I never claimed to know everything above the sun. Much less to the left or right of the sun.

"She thinks she's all that and a bag of chips."

http://j-walkblog.com/blog/docs/platform.htm

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UGLY, OUT OF SHAPE, Female Dancers Wanted (NYC)

I am in search of about 15 UGLY, FAT, UNTALENTED ladies between the ages of 19 and 27, who are interested in exotic dancing. I am the owner of a Manhattan based 1991 HONDA CIVIC that provides entertainment for all types of parties, as well as placing girls in clubs. If this sounds like something that you would like to become a part of, please send a full body picture, a way to get in touch with you, and your experience, if any. You will receive a response from me shortly after I receive your information.

Thanks, "Ed" Finkerton Humperfield

I'd like to get a "Comments" section after each of my entries so that I can really get to know all you little people out there.

So I can say, "Ok. How many of you like things that are funny?" And you can say, "Oh, me! I love funny stuff! It really makes me laugh." And we can talk and bond and really get to see the beauty that's on the inside.

I just wanted to let you know that when you wear camouflage in the city, I can still see you.

(I don't use much profanity because I think it's an easy laugh. But profanity is integral to this story.)

I was in a bad mood today, because being really poor sucks. And as I walked out of the McDonalds in Union Square with a $1 McChicken in my hand, this dude on a bike was coming at me the wrong way down a one-lane, one-way street. He made this "get-out-of-the-way" whistle, so as he passed I said half under my breath, "Fuck off."

He turned and became really angry and he said, "You go fuck yourself, bitch!!!" So he one-up'd me on the profanity. I just walked off like he wasn't there, because I don't have time for these peons. Then he just rode off. Right back to the psych. ward.

Rest assured that none of my jokes have been tested on animals.

King Arthur = Shit sandwich.

If you could, just imagine how fat we’d be. But as it stands today, it cannot be eaten. And I’m broke so I’ve tried. I’m broke as a joke. But not a funny joke. The kind of joke where you slip on a banana peel, fall down some razor sharp stairs and crack your skull open on a garbage strewn gutter. Now, that would be funny, but only if you watched it happen to someone else. I’ve bought the markers and cardboard, but I haven’t made the begging sign yet. Making the sign is a big step. It’s making a statement. And that statement is: “Look out, World! I’m about to default on my student loans!” So for now it’s just me and my crunchy cat food. It’s not bad with milk.

"I ain't afraid of no ghost."

“You’re dirty, sweet and you’re my girl.”