The correlation between UGG boots and bitchiness is super high here.

I’m going to have some boxers made that say: “Caution: Contents are hot and delicious.”

Maybe this swine flu will create some job openings.

The show ends Sunday the 8th. http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/84348

Thanks to all who have come out. It has been awesome performing in front of big crowds every night. I love you all so much it hurts. It hurts bad.

(The show is $20 and some people have said this is expensive. But these same people spend $12 on a drink, so the argument doesn’t carry much weight. Love you!)

So me, David Lowe and Meghan Grant are making a movie for a 3 Minute Film Festival. This is the second one. (We won 1st Place, $600, in the first one; but that’s another story). We drew “Adult Braces” as our title for this one, so we are trying to locate neck braces, leg braces, etc. David put up a craigslist ad, went out to Canarsie to meet the guy and this was his report:

>>>>>>>

I go to Canarsie, and after the shitty main strip, I was surprised at the size and cleanliness of the houses; but not surprised by the gaudiness. He met me at the door. Was slightly older, slightly shorter than me, shaved head, a tight leather jacket, leather voice, pale blue eyes and a long scar from his cheekbone to under his chin. We paused at the door because he said Mom was putting the dog away.

Inside the carpet was all mustard yellow, the walls all smoked mirror with fake gold veins, dimly-lit and cluttered- the whole room a shrine to Don Williams. I caught a glimpse of Mom, a shock of white hair over a pink jumpsuit dragging away a snarling, teeth-bared shepherd. He ushered me to an unlit basement stair. Uh oh. Steep and with a low ceiling, I bumped my head all the way down until it opened into another mustard carpeted, smoke filled room. There were two queen sized beds crammed side by side there; I could see only the legs of the person on the nearer bed, but on the other was an obese bald man wearing only shorts. He looked up surprised from the tv. Tony ushered me past to a concrete passage where I had to duck under pipes and Mom’s basement junk before it opened into a small gray square not much bigger than his bed (”Not much, but better than sleeping on the street”).

He kept it neat, there were photos of his daughter and a box of the game Candyland on an otherwise empty shelf. He had his back braces, wrist braces, leg braces etc neatly laid out on the bed. He looked like I crushed what was left of his soul when I realized we’d misunderstood, and he realized he wasn’t getting $25. He explained his medical problems (calcification, kidney stones) and showed me how he kept his lighter on a long chain in case he dropped it. He’d love to see our movie if “you can give me a free ticket, cuz I just got nothing”.

>>>>>>>

Would be like the saddest short story ever.

This is the movie we did that won $600. (Crazy, right?)

Modern Guilt Acoustic “Profanity Prayers” from Beck Hansen on Vimeo.

I will run you over.

Another of Obama’s Socialist policies.

Detective Marks was suspicious the moment he read the cause of death: “Death by skinny jeans.”

(to be continued…)

“I don’t care what they say
I won’t stay in a world without love.”

Who is “they”? I can’t find anyone who says we should stay in places that lack love.

And if love packed up and headed on down the road, what would you do? Love is tricky to follow.

Love will tell you that she has to work late and then you’ll run into Love coming out of a bar with a “friend”. Love will say she fell asleep and didn’t get your messages until just now. Love is not afraid to take out a restraining order. I now have to stay 300 feet away from Love.

I’ll be live-blogging my coffee breaks!

We were on the L train. You were selecting a ring tone for your cell phone, and I was about to kill you.

“Killed in a tragic Vespa accident.”

I watched Harry Potter and The Half-Baked Plot today. I liked it. There were a bunch of kids (10 or 11 year olds?) in the row in front of me. They were laughing and giggling through the movie and it was very refreashing. It’s always nice to see people display joy and/or happiness in public here. It is very rare. I guess the kids haven’t learned that they have to have an “I’ve-Seen -It-All-(Twice)-and-You’re-In-My-Way” attitude in NYC.

At one point Airy and Ginger hold hands and one of the kids said, “They’re gonna fly away together to Wal-Mart.” And all the kids laughed and giggled and I laughed and giggled.

I was in Chipotle and two of the guys working there had on the “I made the salsa this morning” t-shirt. And I was like, one of you is a liar. It doesn’t take two people to make salsa. Plus, dude on the left, I just saw you clock in.

Don’t play me, Chipotle.

I was in a play last week that ended last night. After the show we had the cast party with the cast, friends, friends of friends, etc. I met and briefly spoke to a nice lady that I had never met before. No numbers were exchanged, the end. Then these texts started rolling in:

8:54 – We’re going to Brooklyn for food & fucking. Come! Greenpoint
9:05 – U don’t know who i am? I’m almost extinct. By that I mean i have red hair. Come to me before i run out
9:05 (me) – Run out of what?

10:46 – Dear dan. Please come out. You’re the only one i care to be around. -yaya noodle bar sea brooklyn. Now? Xo
11:00 – S. tells me there’s this cockamaimie thing about Manhattan ppl not leaving the house once they’re home. Pls disprove. These txts r 70c each U can’t
11:01 – disappoint me. I’ll just fawn over u or berate u. Tell me which
11:01 (me) – can you fawn and/or berate me tomorrow?
11:08 – No dice. Please come. I’ve just embarrassed myself. Help. Now

11:44 – So disappointed. I’ll hide my tears. Just come. Scenic walk? Existential chat? Piggy back wrestling? Meet the parents? Jk
1:32am – (her email address redacted)

I get exhausted, and nervous, just reading that.

My eyes are the electric blue of snow cones or backlit cough drops; I periodically remember to open them wide to irradiate you with my inner being.

I’m in this. It be good.

Click here!

Saying in your ad: “From the director of ‘The Notebook’” is a great way to keep me from seeing your movie.

I wonder what band names Hoobastank turned down?

Loud Zombie

“New York City ain’t what it used to be” — said in the 70s, 80s, 90s and most recently
“New York City art is dead” — said in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and most recently
“New York City was cooler ten years ago.” — said in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and most recently
“I’m moving to New York City.” — said in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and most recently

He was playing his iPod pretty loud, but I decided not to say anything.

Scorpion Vodka

Gary Shandling’s stuff is a little weak here. Normally, he’s pretty darn funny.

The good thing about being single is that I can go days without changing clothes or showering.

"Yo, times is tough all over this land and shit. But you still gotta get that paper. Let Daniel Michael show you what’s up with his new book, ‘Ballin’ On A Budget’. A step-by-step guide to keepin’ it real and scoring that deal."

…with suspicious mimes.

There was a sketchy guy on the sidewalk who kept looking at me as I got closer to him. He was rummaging around in his jacket. As I got next to him, he said, "Hey, man, don’t freak out. I got a pet rat and I’m just trying to get her out."

Me: "That’s great."

Daniel Rockdale, Richard Grant, David Lowe, Dennis Hogue

I was just walking through Astor Place on my way home, and everyone was waiting for the light to change when a guy walked up and yelled, "You need to cross the street like you’re in motherfucking New York City!" He then walked across the street through traffic.

And I was genuinely bummed out when he made it to the other side without getting hit by a car.

If you’re planing a murder-suicide, keep me out of it.

I need to update more often.

Everyone passes him by and he has a little plastic bag of his stuff behind him. Sort of a Homeless Elmo. Yet he keeps on smiling.

I’m considering bringing the Somali Pirate concept to North America.

I think that time is almost up for my Teletubby cover band.

I will do anything for love, but I won’t do that. I will, however, do it for money.

I like razzle, I like dazzle, I like razzmatazz.

I think the difference with my comedy is drinkability.

I have decided to live in Central Park when I’m homeless. Lots of shrubbery.

I am about to drop my new Christmas tune, “Al Qaeda, Please Don’t Blow Me Up…For The Holidays”.

I am heading over to the 99 Cent store to do some Christmas shopping.

I would love to stay and chat, but my helicopter is waiting.

The City That Never Sleeps, And As A Result, Can Keep On Breaking Balls.

I think the third or fourth cut is the deepest.

Please don’t blow me up.

 Thanks.

How do NYC homeless people have money for so many tattoos?