Loud Zombie

“New York City ain’t what it used to be” — said in the 70s, 80s, 90s and most recently
“New York City art is dead” — said in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and most recently
“New York City was cooler ten years ago.” — said in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and most recently
“I’m moving to New York City.” — said in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and most recently

He was playing his iPod pretty loud, but I decided not to say anything.

Scorpion Vodka

Gary Shandling’s stuff is a little weak here. Normally, he’s pretty darn funny.

The good thing about being single is that I can go days without changing clothes or showering.

"Yo, times is tough all over this land and shit. But you still gotta get that paper. Let Daniel Michael show you what’s up with his new book, ‘Ballin’ On A Budget’. A step-by-step guide to keepin’ it real and scoring that deal."

…with suspicious mimes.

There was a sketchy guy on the sidewalk who kept looking at me as I got closer to him. He was rummaging around in his jacket. As I got next to him, he said, "Hey, man, don’t freak out. I got a pet rat and I’m just trying to get her out."

Me: "That’s great."

Daniel Michael, Richard Grant, David Lowe, Dennis Hogue

I was just walking through Astor Place on my way home, and everyone was waiting for the light to change when a guy walked up and yelled, "You need to cross the street like you’re in motherfucking New York City!" He then walked across the street through traffic.

And I was genuinely bummed out when he made it to the other side without getting hit by a car.

If you’re planing a murder-suicide, keep me out of it.

I need to update more often.

Everyone passes him by and he has a little plastic bag of his stuff behind him. Sort of a Homeless Elmo. Yet he keeps on smiling.

I’m considering bringing the Somali Pirate concept to North America.

I think that time is almost up for my Teletubby cover band.

I will do anything for love, but I won’t do that. I will, however, do it for money.

I like razzle, I like dazzle, I like razzmatazz.

I think the difference with my comedy is drinkability.

I have decided to live in Central Park when I’m homeless. Lots of shrubbery.

I am about to drop my new Christmas tune, “Al Qaeda, Please Don’t Blow Me Up…For The Holidays”.

I am heading over to the 99 Cent store to do some Christmas shopping.

I would love to stay and chat, but my helicopter is waiting.

The City That Never Sleeps, And As A Result, Can Keep On Breaking Balls.

I think the third or fourth cut is the deepest.

Please don’t blow me up.

 Thanks.